Bitch Mommy steals the Diary again, in honor of the royal newlyweds visit to sunny SoCal… For the record, I don’t know what Courchevel is, but it sounds fancy so I’d probably like it.

I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THE ROYAL VISIT TO LA.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY’RE STAYING IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE YOU USED TO LIVE IN A GARAGE?!  I HOPE THEY DON’T SCREW UP TRAFFIC, BUT HOW CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE, ANYWAY?  DECIDED TO LEVEL WITH YOU, HONEY, ABOUT WHY YOU ARE NOT ON THIS WEEK’S COVER OF PEOPLE:

Why My Daughter is Not the Duchess of Cambridge

She has snacksorexia instead of anorexia.

She grouses instead of hunts them.

She gave up on her last boyfriend after a mere five years.

She prefers a fig leaf to a maple leaf.

She prefers to delegate all her grocery shopping and housekeeping duties.

She has this website.

She is incorrigible rather than corgi-able.

She takes to the sauce instead of wearing saucy ensembles.

She refers royally to all females as bitches—just so you know not to take it personally, Your Majesty.

She is curt, but doesn’t curtsy.

As a child she preferred to role play as dog Toto, instead of princessy Glinda.

When she travels to London, she doesn’t know Big Ben from her big __ __ __…..

She never calls me “Mum” or her dad “Prince What’s His Name.”

She has ingrown hairs, dog hairs, and clogged hairs, not inborn heirs.

She celebrates American Independence Day in a big way and dresses up her dog and flame in patriotic bandanas.

Highness vs. heinie-ness—you be the judge…..

She modeled children’s prairie dresses instead of prince-grabbing, posh bikinis.  The only British things about her were her banger-like pigtails.

Wales, Wills, Hollywood Hills.  Papparazzi , papas bravas, Mozza mostly, mounds fromaggi.  Drinks fizzy, hair so frizzy, greens of frisee, Princey kiss me, take my picture, jeez, I’m dizzy.  Ditsy blonde, not brunette, quick, I’m bitchin,’ don’t forget.

And, since she performs in Sunday Company at the Groundlings she is simply waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too busy to be a princess.

PS She would very much like to go to the Seychelles or to Courchevel, however.  Bro Harry, or even Uncle Andy, are you listening?!??????