THE LADY BAR
I like football for two reasons: 1) Hot wings 2) Beer. The other nonsense I can do without. I realize I’ve just alienated you if you <3 football, but you’re always alienating me! Updating your Facebook status with “GO (Insert Team-Bippity-Boppity) and forcing me to tag along on your emotional journey before/whilst/after the game. “OMG, did you see that!” “This game is intense!” “Well played, fellas.” Or whatever it is that you say – I blocked you from my News Feed long ago.
Sure, I’m down for Sunday Funday at Barney’s Beanery. I’ve even been known to frequent an actual stadium through the first quarter. But as I stated before, I’m only participating for the food and drink. (Which is why I participate in most of life, honestly). So, three minutes after thinking of the idea, I have decided to open “The Lady Bar.*” The Lady Bar will be a place for ladies who don’t like football (which is 98% of us – the remaining 2% are either trying to get laid or lezzie.)
In lieu of sports, we’ll watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Say Yes to the Dress, and Oprah’s Lifeclass. (We’ll make an exception for men’s swimming, but only for the occasional glimpse of peen). The lighting will be super-flattering (so we’ll look really pretty to the shirtless dudes behind the bar) and the chairs will be super-comfy, just in case anyone has their period. The house specialty will be the ChoGo martini, a combination of Godiva Chocolate Liquor and Grey Goose Vodka, with splash of nothing else because it’s already ah-mazing. There will be private powder rooms so you will never have to carry a convo over the tinkle of pee again. (Gal pals/female co-workers, please take note and cease the chat through the stall door. I’m busy).
Aside from being handsome and sculpted, the male bartenders will be uber-charming and will only speak during commercial breaks. “Here is another martini, Miss. Now please allow me to massage your shoulders, free of charge.”
*Now accepting applications for investors. If The Lady Bar isn’t up your alley, perhaps you’d be interested in my late-night Cakes & Cream delivery service, catering to fatties with cravings past 10 p.m. We’ll make millions, darling.
Follow The Mrs. on Twitter @JeanieBeanie25