I’ve only been naughty in all the right ways this year, so my Christmas red manicured fingers are crossed that I landed on Santa’s good girl list this year. Here’s what I’m hoping will be waiting under the tree for me:

1. To look like this when I get a spray tan! Going to the gym and being a movie star with trainers and nutritionists, and people you pay to pry the cake out of your hands, would probably also help, but I’d rather Santa just make it happen:

2. Photo album of celebrities staging cheesy photo ops when they get pregnant. These just make me so happy:

3. Peace on earth. (I just want to say this with a straight face the way beauty queens do and see who thinks I’m being an asshole.)

4. A diamond kind of like Elizabeth Taylor’s:

SUBCATEGORY: Things found in the Skymall airplane shopping magazine, which caters to those as lazy as they are fancy. Me, in a nutshell. Case in point:

5. Slanket! It’s like the snuggie for posh ladies who want to look classy while they lounge:

6. Pajama jeans! Oh man, these are the ultimate eating pants. My boyfriend will never complain that I live in sweatpants again! Besides, who wouldn’t want something that prevents you from having to pack an overnight bag to a boy’s house, or do a walk of shame? You’ll look SO normal in these:

7. Cowboy rainboots. Guys, there is nothing more fashionable AND functional than these babies:

8. Toilet water bowl for Lucy: Um, is there a better conversation piece than a toilet in the middle of your kitchen? Plus, I just want to see which of my friends gets drunk enough at my next party that they try to use it:

9. A puppy outfit photo shoot: I started early on this little gift to myself and anyone else who likes to pretend their dog is a human baby/doll.  But Lucy will be SO excited when she opens her pink sparkly angel outfit tomorrow, so stay tuned for more!

10. Donations to Homeward Bound and 826LA: I rescued Lucy from Homeward Bound and she is my daughter from another species, as well as the only living thing that can rock a tutu better than me. Besides, you kind of look like a dick if you buy a dog instead of rescue one… Not to mention purebreds are as inbred as The Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. And 826LA helps kids fall in love with writing… I want every girl to know they can start a blog like this instead of pursuing trophy wifedom! Or you know, write something that matters.

http://homewardboundgoldens.org/

http://826la.org/

11. A big armed boy! I think I already spotted this one under the tree and I can’t wait to take off that douchey wrapping paper…