MACHO MACHO MAN
Guys! While reading the newspaper (i.e. Glamour.com) today, I came across their report on a U.K. study that macho, testosterone-fueled meatheads actually make fabulous boyfriends! Here is what the experts at Glamour had to say about square-jawed, ripped up hotties:
Guys with more “masculine” faces generally have higher testosterone levels, and therefore are generally thought to have higher aggression levels. But the new study shows that while men with wider faces were more aggressive in general, they actually became more cooperative in a situation where they needed to support their home team. They study involved a group game where players could either freeload off othe players or risk their money to benefit the group as a whole. Guys were more likely to gamble for the good of the group when dealing with an outside rival… It’s interesting to know that the guys who you might think of as aggressive and uncooperative might actually be the most fierce protectors of their own team. I’m thinking this would probably apply to his life partner and family as well. (Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/06/go-ahead-and-fall-for-that-mac.html#ixzz1x3HOzl6y)
This is a fact that I can verify. But I’m glad science agrees with me. Brag Alert: My boyfriend is a military college grad, Division 1 athlete who can bench press me. But, he likes to baby talk to my dog, cried at THE VOW, and this is his favorite thing in the whole world:
Meatheads have always been my favorite to look at, and it’s been a pretty kickass discovery that they’re the best to date, too.
However, movies (especially romantic comedies) and media in general, seem super into pushing the misleading idea that “normal looking” dudes are the ones you want to end up with. Jason Bateman has made a career out of it. And I’ve even fallen for it; I want to marry Jason Segel after seeing him in pretty much anything, especially THE FIVE YEAR ENGAGEMENT but also including KNOCKED UP and even (best TV show ever) UNDECLARED, and he played a true psychopath in both of those last ones. That endearing attitude and cuddly gut just gets me. And don’t even get me started on dirtbag John Mayer: The man is paler than I am, average looking enough to seem “safe,” and writes songs about your body being a wonderland and fathers being good to their daughters.
But, what you REALLY get is a douchey douche who doesn’t look physically capable of saving you from drowning, loves to chat with the paparazzi about the ladies he’s banged, and talks smack about poor little Taylor Swift’s heart that he broke so hard she wrote a song. Need more proof? Here are some quotes from this “romantic:”
“Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”
Re: Jessica Simpson: “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.”
“Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”
On the other side of the sexy spectrum, Nicholas Sparks (the man behind any true literary or cinematic romance of the last few decades, am I riiiiight ladies?!) is the only one who seems to understand that nature-defying hotties can, and probably are, the loves of your life. Here is some real talk: Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, Liam Hemsworth, Zac Efron, and (if you have daddy issues), Richard Gere and Kevin Costner all portray variations of a pretty perfect soulmate in Sparks’ movies. Undeniable facts you should consider when perusing Match.com or walking the streets, shopping for men old school-style. Don’t miss out on them just because you feel like you should sleep with the hard body, you date the mushy one. Gymrats make good boyfriends, too! Next movie I write, a weakling is going to be the two-timing asshole and a Chippendale is going to be the misunderstood, dreamboat of your true perfect man.
Moral of this story: Ugly dudes with low muscle mass can be douches, too! Find yourself a beefcake, stat.