This is the stuff of NIGHTMARES.
I guess this is supposed to teach kids that moms give birth by having their stomachs cut off? And, if you ever get knocked up, to be sure to dye your hair platinum, perm it, and put on some blue eyeshadow before going into labor?
I wish I had the time and self-confidence to train my dog to be the John Travolta to my Olivia Newton-John, then enter ourselves in dog-dancing contests:
Me, circa my athletic phase
#tbt to Soccer Team Photo Day: The last time I played organized sports, and also the day the photographer mistook me for a special needs child.
Photo courtesy of Gawker
This email posted on Gawker is one of the most amazing/crazy things I’ve ever read. It’s from a high-ranking sorority board member, to the rest of the chapter, in regard to their unsavory new reputation for “LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD.” My personal favorite quote? “I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that…” Read it to find out what, exactly, earns you a “cunt punt.”
How could you say no to this sweet face?!
Since I could speak, I have been asking Santa, my parents, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, every boyfriend I’ve ever had, the goddamn Christopher Columbus Day Fairy, even strangers, for a puppy. And this year, for my birthday, my main hang/live-in love Tony GOT ME ONE. I’m not being melodramatic when I say he made all my dreams come true.
Me, on the happiest day of my life
His original plan was to have my bestie show up at my birthday party with the surprise pupper, but she (smartly) informed him that was a terrible idea and I should probably pick out the new love of my life myself. So, he informed me of what my gift would be, I started to sob with joy, and then immediately got on Petfinder, where I spent more hours than I’m willing to admit looking at rescue dogs. Finally, this 8-week old lab mix lovie popped up at the SEAACA Downey animal shelter.
Car ride home
We drove two hours in traffic to adopt the baby. I may or may not have also tried to rescue the cocker spaniel mix, pit bull puppy, and one-eyed cat because there were SO MANY animals who needed homes. After rejecting names like Annie Jr., Tony and I finally settled on Tippi, because I love Hitchcock blondes and crazy women.
Proud parents
Tippi’s favorite activities include forcing her older sister Lucy, the other love of my life, to play:
Best friends
Lounging:
Old Hollywood starlet
Treating her sister like her own personal sofa:
Take some inspiration from this, Ikea!
And generally being adorable:
Birthday bitch
Tippi also loves licking armpits, sucking on the metal railings in our house, wagging her tail in her sleep, and trying to steal any and all sodas, which I’m pretty sure she survived on, on the streets, before ending up at the pound. She and Lucy are my Happy Place. Best birthday ever!!!!
*Side note public service message: You can find ANY breed of dog, even puppies, at an animal shelter. You’re saving lives, not getting an inbred pet from a backyard breeder, saving money… a million reasons — look on Petfinder or at the dogs at LA’s animal shelters. The place where I got Tippi is a high kill shelter, where dogs have 7 days to find a home. Look to rescue before you buy! It will be the happiest decision of your life!
Me, circa my fat years
#tbt to the day my parents thought commissioning this painting of their chubby daughter was a good idea.
Um, this is AMAZE. Someone at UC Berkeley created this Facebook page to help you track down the dude/lady you hooked up with last night, but were too wasted to remember. The About section for UC Berkeley Hook-Ups reads: “This page is specifically designed to help the fellow drunk locate his/her Berk town hookup. If you recognize you or your story post message me with your number.”
The wall posts do not disappoint – here’s one gem: “#18 To the girl I woke up to peeing on my balcony. I don’t know how I ended up coming home with you or why you thought it was ok to pull your pants down and piss on my balcony, But I found your ID so it looks like ill be seeing you soon…..till then stay golden:)”
If there are two things I love in this world, it is one’s search for a soulmate and public displays of full-crazy. You can find both on a daily basis in the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. So here, your daily dose of crazy love – this was posted, for real. You’re welcome!
I WENT OUT WITH TWO TALL TWINS FROM IDAHO ABOUT 1 YEAR AGO. … I MISS YOU. GET IN TOUCH WITH ME. (i posted pics of what she looks like)
Posting ID: 3698567200
Posted: 2013-04-10, 9:12AM PDT
What I love about this: 1) There is a set of twins, somewhere out there, who like to date one man together. 2) They’re from Idaho, but could currently be anywhere in ALL LOS ANGELES 3) He posted pics of what “she” looks like. As if they are one person. 4) He thought it was okay to post pictures of these girls on the internet – not to mention Craigslist. 5) Everything about this seems super shady, and yet the sentiment “I miss you” is all warm and fuzzy and innocent. Probably unlike anything that went down in this encounter.
Reports from local news out of Buenos Aires say that Argentinian bazaar salesmen are selling ferrets on steroids, by passing them off as toy poodles. Apparently this is actually a “thing” and not just a rare occurrence, and Argentinians refer to them as “Brazilian Rats.” I don’t know who’s the bigger asshole: the monster who injected these poor animals with steroids from birth to increase their size, or the idiot who actually thought a ferret was a dog and paid $150 for one? This is so fucked up on so many levels.
Let me hop on my soap box for a hot minute: This is yet another reason why it’s shitty to buy a pet. You can find any breed, any age (puppies! kittens!) at animal shelters and rescues; you’ll be saving a life AND as a bonus, a vet will confirm the species. See?
Feeling embarrassed because you spilled a giant soda in your lap at TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION, and then for the rest of your mall outing it looked like you pissed yourself at a Tyler Perry movie? Feeling sad because you got drunk and accidentally friend requested your ex’s new girlfriend while trying to stalk her on Facebook?
Samantha Malson, alleged hater of awesome songs and impromptu karaoke
Well, at least you didn’t physically assault your boyfriend for singing Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” too many times, like Samantha Malson, 23, of Longmont, CO. Malson allegedly pushed and choked Lars Hansen because he wouldn’t stop drunkenly singing the catchy jam. She claims she asked him to stop 25 times; when he didn’t, she reportedly confessed to police, “I grabbed him around the throat” and “I did it for intimidation.” Why? Because: “He just annoyed me.” She was arrested and charged with harassment, domestic violence, and assault.