Me, circa my athletic phase

#tbt to Soccer Team Photo Day: The last time I played organized sports, and also the day the photographer mistook me for a special needs child.

How could you say no to this sweet face?!

Since I could speak, I have been asking Santa, my parents, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, every boyfriend I’ve ever had, the goddamn Christopher Columbus Day Fairy, even strangers, for a puppy.  And this year, for my birthday, my main hang/live-in love Tony GOT ME ONE. I’m not being melodramatic when I say he made all my dreams come true.

Me, on the happiest day of my life

His original plan was to have my bestie show up at my birthday party with the surprise pupper, but she (smartly) informed him that was a terrible idea and I should probably pick out the new love of my life myself.  So, he informed me of what my gift would be, I started to sob with joy, and then immediately got on Petfinder, where I spent more hours than I’m willing to admit looking at rescue dogs.  Finally, this 8-week old lab mix lovie popped up at the SEAACA Downey animal shelter.

Car ride home

We drove two hours in traffic to adopt the baby. I may or may not have also tried to rescue the cocker spaniel mix, pit bull puppy, and one-eyed cat because there were SO MANY animals who needed homes. After rejecting names like Annie Jr., Tony and I finally settled on Tippi, because I love Hitchcock blondes and crazy women.

Proud parents

Tippi’s favorite activities include forcing her older sister Lucy, the other love of my life, to play:

Best friends

Lounging:

Old Hollywood starlet

Treating her sister like her own personal sofa:

Take some inspiration from this, Ikea!

And generally being adorable:

Birthday bitch

Tippi also loves licking armpits, sucking on the metal railings in our house, wagging her tail in her sleep, and trying to steal any and all sodas, which I’m pretty sure she survived on, on the streets, before ending up at the pound. She and Lucy are my Happy Place. Best birthday ever!!!!

*Side note public service message: You can find ANY breed of dog, even puppies, at an animal shelter.  You’re saving lives, not getting an inbred pet from a backyard breeder, saving money… a million reasons — look on Petfinder or at the dogs at LA’s animal shelters.  The place where I got Tippi is a high kill shelter, where dogs have 7 days to find a home.  Look to rescue before you buy! It will be the happiest decision of your life!

Me, circa my fat years

#tbt to the day my parents thought commissioning this painting of their chubby daughter was a good idea.

Clockwise from the top, my favorite funny bitches: Katierose Donohue, me, Kate Frisbee, Courtney Pauroso, Misty Monroe, & Corey Podell

I performed this past Monday night (for the first time in over a year, since leaving the Groundlings Sunday Company), with my new all-girl sketch group, MA’AM.  I had The. Best. Time.  With THE most hilarious ladies.  We over-sold out the show, and had to set up folding chairs to create more rows, and there were still people outside wanting to come in (THANK YOU to everyone who was there to support us!)  AND we got a standing ovation, the most satisfying O a girl can achieve.  On the scale of Macklemore, it was fucking awesome.

I’ve been wanting to write about it all week, about how much I loved being a part of this show with the most insanely, ridiculously, enviably talented girls.  They’re some of my best friends, and everyone involved (including our director Colleen Smith and boy-toy supporting cast, Tony Cavalero, Mark Primiano, and Tom Fonss) makes me laugh harder than anything.  All of them have perfect comedic timing when it comes to writing and acting, and they’re all going to be super famous, so pay attention to them now.

But it seemed fitting to write about our show today, because the last episode of 30 ROCK airs tonight and Tina Fey made the whole “women in comedy” less of a thing.  She made everyone who has ever said that “women aren’t funny” look silly, made the whole conversation seem sort of retro and outdated, because it was such a non-issue with her.  Because of her, I think there are fewer qualifications of being a funny lady — with her, it was only ever about being funny, and the rest of the world caught on.  You can now be an actress in a comedy, and your biggest laugh will be a sharp, well-crafted joke, not an adorable pratfall in your 6-inch stilettos as you chase that guy who just hasn’t discovered he loves you yet (but certainly will before the credits roll!)  There’s a reason “traditional” romantic comedies keep bombing at the box office as of late — because we finally have access to something better, funny movies are being made with women that don’t have anything to do with boys, diets, or sabotaging other women.  And I’d also like to note, her success opened the door for all writer-performers — so it’s not just women who owe her a Thank You note, but anybody smart enough to write the lines and funny enough to deliver them in front of the camera.

Shows like GIRLS and THE MINDY PROJECT wouldn’t exist without her, and neither would MA’AM or all the excitement around our first show.  I like diamonds, shopping and babies as the next girl, but I love being a part of something as funny as the next boy.  So, cheers to Tina Fey on the season finale of 30 ROCK, and cheers to MA’AM on the beginning of an awesome ride!

There used to be a wholesome, simple time when it was considered “adorable” and “appropriate” to put your young daughter in a bedazzled crop top and make her pose for photographs…  THANKS MOM!

Tony and I at his Entertainment Weekly photo shoot at Sundance!!!

My boyfriend and I just spent the past week at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah and it was magical, horrifying, inspiring, exhausting, and an all-around shit-ton of fun.  A movie Tony starred in, GHOST TEAM ONE, was accepted into the narrative feature competition in the Slamdance Film Festival, which is why we were lucky enough to go.  Here are some of the things I learned:

Sundance! (Obvi.)

1) You will bleed money. If you want a pass to actually see movies at Sundance, it will cost you anywhere from $400-$3,000.  If you want to stay at a hotel, it will probably cost around $500/night.  If you want to park your car, it will cost $20.  If you want to take a 5-minute taxi ride, it will cost $20.  If you want to eat or drink, it will cost $$$.  Which is why Tony and I bought ZERO passes, stood in hours-long waitlist lines in the freezing cold, slept at a generous/awesome friend’s place for free, and packed clothes to change in the bathroom so we only had to take one cab per day.  Also, we didn’t eat unless we were loading up on free food at a party or snarfing on some of the free granola bars sexy girls were hired to hand out. (*Hot tip: Bring a big bag and snag some snacks to nosh on later!)

Paris Hilton at Sundance

2) But if you’re a celebrity (or once were, or someone thinks you might be), you don’t have to spend ANY money! You will be put up in a hotel for free, given a free pass, taken straight in ahead of the line, and will get all kinds of free swag in gifting suites.

Me, post-blow-out, at the Dove Color gifting suite. Can you tell how happy I am?

3) If you get access to a gifting suite, you will suddenly feel a primal urge to grab everything and destroy anyone who gets in your way. When Tony and I got the hook-up to enter a gifting suite, here are some items that got our adrenaline pumping: Snuggies with the McDonald’s logo emblazoned across the chest with a pocket covering your junk-area! Diet pills! A coffee mug! Drugstore brand make-up! A scarf! A hat! Tea bags! Macaroons! Another coffee mug! A free DNA test! Anti-aging serum! One item of your choice from the Kardashian Kollection for Sears! Furry boot covers! Soup!

This is a perfect example of how you SHOULD rock the red carpet at Sundance.

4) If you wear high heels, people will think you’re a hooker or worse, a desperate actress who showed up at the festival even though she’s not in any films. It’s fucking cold in Park City.  So, it doesn’t matter if it’s a red carpet event, a premiere, or a party James Franco is hosting — you wear cute boots, a trendy-but-warm outfit, and a puffy jacket that goes down to your knees with a faux fur hood.  If you’re tottering around in heels and a dress, you’re assumed to be an idiot or a sex worker.  (May or may not have learned this one the hard way.)

I was probably somewhere toward the back of this line for a few hours, hoping to get into the party so I could scarf down some free food.

The party I finally DID get into… For the Catdance Film Festival.

5) The pecking order of Hollywood is compacted onto one street, and you WILL learn your place. I was asked “Who are YOU?” more times than a concussed person with short-term memory loss. I was shoved out of the way at the bar with free booze like an alcoholic being averted from falling off the wagon. I was told I was on the “downstairs” list for the party without “upstairs” access like a unimportant non-celeb sad person. (*Hence, Tony and my suggested new name: The Douchedance Film Festival.)

Nat Faxon & Jim Rash: Directors, writers, actors, and non-douches

6) You’ll learn that the people who are actually powerful, are nice. Steve Carrell? Nice. Maya Rudolph? Nice. Jane Lynch? Nice. Jim Rash and Nat Faxon and Michaela Watkins? Unbelievably, ridiculously nice. Guy wearing a Bluetooth who cut me in line for the last two premiere tickets, who referred to himself as a “big-time producer” yet had no movie in the festival or even a festival pass? Not nice.

AnnaSophia Robb

7) You will experience a rush like nothing you’ve EVER felt before, better than your first kiss/orgasm/paycheck/birth of your child, when someone mistakes you for a celebrity. A woman thought I was AnnaSophia Robb, and I’m still coming down off that high.

Jim Rash & Nat Faxon’s incredible movie!

8) You will be overcome with all sorts of mushy-gushy feelings when you finally get to actually see some films. I can’t find a way to word this without sounding like a cheeseball, but it made me really, really happy to hear people cracking up at my wild and crazy boyfriend’s performance in GHOST TEAM ONE. And, we actually got into 3 Sundance movies – AUSTENLAND, IN A WORLD & THE WAY, WAY BACK – and all of them blew my mind. You could feel the effort and passion and heart everyone put into each film. It was especially gratifying and inspiring to see one of my Groundlings Sunday Company directors, Jim Rash, get the attention, buzz, and admiration he has deserved for so long, for co-writing, co-directing, and making a hilarious appearance in THE WAY, WAY BACK. There’s a reason that movie sold for $10 million in a bidding war – go see it opening day.

The movie Tony starred in, GHOST TEAM ONE!

Tony at the post-premiere Q&A with the talented cast and crew of GHOST TEAM ONE!

Self-portrait: Tony and me, pre-premiere for GHOST TEAM ONE

One day, I hope I have a movie in Sundance, so I can get put up in a hotel, and get free food and free swag, and not wait in lines in the snow with assholes, and go to all the movies I want; and also, so I can write and perform in a film that means something, the way Jim’s work, and everyone else’s we were lucky enough to catch, did to me. See you at Douchedance 2014, bitches!

My mom quells her deep-seated fear that I will never “make it” and be an unemployed writer/actress forever by sending me links to Craigslist “jobs” — most recently, one of her hot tips for a sweet audition turned out to be for a porno.  (She means well.)

Craigslist is a good concept in theory, but in reality, I feel like it’s an online community for crazies to congregate, date, sell/buy their wares, give/find jobs, or just rant.  (Yes, there is a category called “rants & raves” in the Personals section, just under “casual encounters.”)  If you regularly check my GOSSIP page, you know I lovelovelove to keep up with what the nutjobs are posting in Missed Connections.

My friend Emily shared this job posting however, and it may just be my favorite yet:

Young personal assistant to a CELEBRITY needed (HOLLYWOOD)

bnmnr-3549347838@job.craigslist.org^[?]

Young Personal assistant to a celebrity needed who is passionate about being vegan, animal rights and environment!

YOU MUST-

-BE EXTREMELY PASSIONATE ABOUT THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS!!!!!!!!
-BE READY TO TAKE UNUSUAL ACTION TO SUCCEED!!!!!!!!!!
-BE READY TO FIGHT FOR THE ANIMAL RIGHTS, AND GO GREEN MOVEMENT!
-SUPPORT YOUR CELEBRITY BOSS AND BE READY TO DO WHATEVER IS NEEDED FOR THE CAUSE!!!!!

We are looking for a young PROFESSIONAL!!!!!!!!

YOU MUST BE COMFORTABLE AROUND A LIST CELEBRITIES, DRESS TO IMPRESS AND WORK AS A TEAM WITH YOUR BOSS!

You are:

-independent (ABSOLUTELY NO FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, or SIGNIFICANT OTHERS!!!!!!!)
-good at taking care of business
able to handle pressure
extremely organised
clean to perfection
have a car and drivers licence
good at following directions
smart,beautiful and funny

YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE TO MOVE INTO A HOUSE IF CHOSEN AND START THE TRY OUTS ON WEDNESDAY, JANUARY16,2013!
Please, send pic, bio, number to reach you ASAP.

• Location: HOLLYWOOD
• Compensation: FAME
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 3549347838

*  *  *

There are a lot of things that make me feel all sorts of feelings about this post.  Namely:

1) The compensation for this position? FAME. 2) Whoever posted this thinks “independent” means you can have NO family obligations and NO significant other(s). 3) You have to live with whoever posted this. 4) Should you decide to go forward, you will not interview, but rather, “try out.” 5) The excessive use of capitalization and punctuation, and complete disregard for spelling and grammar. 6) What past experiences has this person had, that led them to write that you must “be ready to take unusual action to succeed”?  Also, what do they consider to be unusual action? 7) Which A-list celebrities are friends with this person?  WHO is this person? 8) I just desperately want to know what this person had in mind when they listed one of the requirements as “SUPPORT YOUR CELEBRITY BOSS AND BE READY TO DO WHATEVER IS NEEDED FOR THE CAUSE!!!!!”  WHAT is “the cause,” exactly?

If this post is one thing, it’s a combination of everything people hate about Hollywood (or even the human race, really).  There is nothing more hilarious or depressing than knowing this is an actual job post written by an actual person, and people who moved here to pursue their dreams will “try out” for this today. But the thing I take comfort in is the fact that it was posted on Craigslist, so whoever wrote it is is crazy, and also is probably unemployed and on the Z-list.  Or they’d be posting somewhere far more legitimate, where more legitimate people look for jobs.  And on that note:

HEY MOM, SHOULD I APPLY??????

Me, age unknown, knowing that I look like a princess.

My boyfriend discovered this glamour shot from my childhood at my parents’ house over the holidays.  At one point in my life, this is what I looked like.  There are a lot of things I love about this photo, but probably the thing I love most is how proud of myself I look.  Runner up things: 1) That my parents had an outfit made for me to match that of my doll. 2) That they hired a photographer to capture my joy and pride at owning an outfit that matches my doll.  It’s clear that I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I look awesome.

It should be noted that this was never a Halloween costume.  It just happened in day-to-day life.

Holiday cards are the time to add up all your successes and brag about them to the people you haven’t seen or spoken to for 20 years.  Or, who you see all the time and just want to remind how awesome you are at life.

Every time I get on the phone with my mom as of late, she likes to tell me how great her friends’ kids are at living their lives.  We’re talking PhD’s, jobs at hedge funds, living with boyfriends in law school who she met in law school, engagements to people who’ll let them be a Stay at Home Wife for a living, magazine-worthy weddings, really attractive, intelligent-looking babies… Basically all the things you hope and dream will happen to your daughter. (She doesn’t think racking up $25 in free fro-yo at Menchie’s is as cool as I do, I guess. Weird.)  Some pretty impressive Season’s Greetings! cards with 5-page “yearly wrap-ups” were rolling in.

The call I’d been dreading finally happened.  Mom: “What do you want me to write about you in our holiday card?”  I told her to speak the truth: “Annie is not engaged, married, pregnant, or employed. Cheers to 2013!”

So, Mom opted for the above instead.  I like it.  It’s mysterious.  Who KNOWS what happened to that family this year? (Well, except obviously the child on the left earned a college degree. And they all had a happy, memorable experience in front of a bedazzled tree.)  No letter included, for the first time in a long time.

Just for you, Mom, my resolution is to have a holiday letter-worthy year!  I’ve spent more time writing than on Facebook thus far, so the new year is already off to a seriously impressive start.  AND I stole my prom dress when I was home for the holidays, and plan to diet until I’m able to zip it up, in time for pilot season.  So, I think my instinct was right when I said CHEERS TO 2013!

You guys, it’s holiday season, my favorite time of year, and this week we are celebrating People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive Day!  This is a holiday for anyone who likes to objectify men.  People have been celebrating it for years; in fact, one of the moms I used to babysit for kept all the past issues on a magazine rack by the shitter!  If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d maybe petition to actually get a day off work in honor of it, just so I could buy this issue the second it hits newsstands then spend the day in bed with it and a Costco-size bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. But I don’t have a job right now so I guess I can do that anyway. (Mom, if you’re reading this, can I borrow $$ to buy this magazine and peanut butter cups? And also pay my rent? Thx.)

This year, Channing Tatum is the one we worship.  He’s totally earned it and here is why:

1. He is hilarious:

2. This is what his body looks like:

4. He is full-on in real love with his wife, so you know he’s capable of monogamy and commitment and snuggling:

5. He is from the south (Alabama), so he has good manners and an urban Southern accent:

6. He gave us this gift, that keeps on giving (until your DVD wears out or your boyf “accidentally” deletes it from the DVR):

Here’s the reason why we need this holiday, and for People Mag to ceremonialize the whole thing: We need to know about the men we fantasize about.  Guys can just look at a naked chick and be cool with it, which is why Playboy and strippers are such smashing successes.  But us ladies want a personality to go with the body; basically, we need to be familiar enough with them to able to picture him as our boyfriend, and also feel safe that he’s not going to sexually assault us. Which is why People totally gets that we want to see some sexy, shirtless celebs and know that they are total sweethearts, too.

If I ever achieve my career goal of becoming Decider of Who Is Sexiest Man Alive, these would be my qualifers:

1. Does he like to hold babies?

2. Can he make me laugh?

3. Is he capable of lifting me? What about if I just ate a pound of Mexican food?

*Editor’s Note: The guys from Jersey Shore are not Sexy. This was just the best pic. Apologies.

4. Does he have good manners? (*Opens doors, pulls my chair out, wears deodorant, brings flowers even when he’s not in trouble, talks to my mom on the phone like he means it, etc.)

5. Is he into matrimony?

6. Does he have a job?

7. Does he have a dog?

8. Does he have a superhero jaw?

9. Does he have an accent? (*Bonus points for Southern and South African.)

10. Will he look good when he is old?

*Editor’s Note: George Clooney is ageless and will forever and always be The Perfect Man. But you get the idea.

Now go out and celebrate by 1) finding a guy who fits all of the above qualities to be your main man or 2) give your boyfriend this list and tell him it’s time to get his shit together.  Happy Sexiest Man Alive Day!