I’ve always heard (and very much enjoyed) the phrase, “revenge is a dish best served cold,”  but I also am an avid believer in all things Oprah, and as we all (should) know, Oprah & her peeps are totally against holding onto grudges, because they keep us locked in the past and unable to move forward. But I think if I had a private jet and a private chef and a tall handsome man and 5 adorable dogs my feelings on vengefulness would be a little lighter too.

“An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind,” Mahatma Gandhi exclaimed.  But did Gandhi ever get dumped by a guy who cheated on him with just a younger version of himself? Did his sixth grade best friend tell the whole class when he got his period?  I have a feeling no, and such acts can’t be totally forgotten, right?   As much as I love Queen O, there are times when the ONLY thing that keeps me going, motivated, and on my path to greatness are the thoughts of those I will triumph over in the end.  The ones I will prove wrong. Is that bad?  Oprah & Chopra would say yes, but I would venture to say that sometimes the only way to power through a cardio session on the hamsterwheel treadmill, or to finish that project you’ve put off for days (months), is to channel your vengeful energy into success…or at least into just getting off the couch to stop watching Dance Moms.

I’m not saying to go egg your enemy’s house or key their car, but rather use your feelings to lace up your gym shoes or open that blank document and get started on YOUR shit.  Need some inspiration?  Here is a list of some films that will get help you get your (healthy) revenge on… lady revenge.

ENOUGH

This thriller stars Jennifer Lopez as an abused housewife in fear of her psycho husband and losing her sweet daughter into his custody.  Lopez goes into hiding with help from her besties, learns how to box,  & is a general bad ass — all the while still being a good mother and using things like wigs and such to hide her identity.  There’s nothing better than the climactic scene when Lopez becomes the cat and hunts her mouse husband inside his own home.

Warning: Will make you want to take kickboxing & give yourself a pixie cut.  Just sleep on it, okay?

COLOMBIANA

Saw this movie very late at night & it had me wishing I belonged to one of those 24 hour gyms so I could go kick some ass RIGHT THEN. Zoe Saldana stars as an orphan bent on getting revenge for her family’s deaths.  She spends the movie looking hot and hunting down the killers and their associates and the associates of their associates that took her parents.

Warning: Will make you want to call your Mom & Dad and make sure they’re safe.  Will make you afraid of sharks if you weren’t already.

KILL BILL, VOL. 1 & 2

This story of revenge is so epic it needed two volumes, and even if you aren’t the biggest Tarantino fan, Uma Thurman’s lack of mercy for the people that killed her husband and left her for dead is beyond satisfying.  What’s most interesting about the Kill Bills?  Uma’s utmost respect for her enemies as evidenced in her fight scenes with Vivica A. Fox.  Remember guys, being vengeful doesn’t mean you have to be a TOTAL bitch.

Warning: Will make you want to take karate, give yourself a nickname and punch through wood.  Again, just sleep on it.

EYE FOR AN EYE

The title says it all right?  Everyone loves Sally Field as a mother whether in Steel Magnolias, Mrs. Doubtfire, or Brothers & Sisters and in Eye for an Eye, she takes mommy revenge to a whole new level.  After a slithery Kiefer Sutherland gets away with the rape and murder of her teenage daughter, Field knowing she can’t rely on the police, takes matters into her own hands.  Watching little middle aged Sally beat down the scary Sutherland with her wits, all in the name of her daughter, is nothing short of a miracle.

Warning:  Will make you petrified of Kiefer Sutherland, but just remember its acting and he was Jack Bauer. Remember he was Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer.

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS

Another Tarantino film (and I think his very best one), except this time revenge is on Adolf Hitler & his regime from two different angles.  We follow the Basterds, a hodge podge group of Jewish soldiers led by a ruthless Brad Pitt who requires no less than 100 Nazi scalps from each of his men, as well as the lovely Shoshanna, yet another vengeful orphan.  No mass murder scene has ever been as beautiful as the one in Shoshanna’s movie theater the night of the big premiere and the acting performances are killer, pun intended.

Warning: Will make you want to convert to Judaism or if you’re already Jewish like me, will make you super duper proud & wish this was a true story.

LEGALLY BLONDE

Legally Blonde isn’t like the other films on this list – no violence, guts, or death scenes with sharks, but it does encompass what we all want from revenge at the end of the day, right?  Career success, happiness, and a relationship with Luke Wilson.  After being dumped, abandoned for Harvard, and shoved aside for a preppy girl, Elle Woods brushes her shoulders off and does what we all have trouble doing – MOVING ON.  Instead of wallowing, Elle Woods, one of the greatest female characters ever written, takes charge of her own destiny and wins in the end with the help of her besties, sorority sisters and her womanly intuition.

Warning:  Will make you want to be a lawyer. Sleep on it.  Will make you want a little dog. Don’t sleep on it, go get one!

What other revenge movies are on your lists?  What about revenge songs?  Working on a revenge playlist for long jogs.

Though I just turned 25 (plus 3), I remain 13 in heart, mind, and soul. I wish I could include ‘body’ but my lady hips and D cups can’t be denied. Neither can the following evidence…

1. I practice writing my name “Mrs. Jeanie Tatum.”

2. I’m still pissed that Taylor Hanson is married.

3. I recently purchased not one, but two Justin Bieber singing toothbrushes. They each feature TWO HIT SINGLES you guys!

4. I’m waiting to open the toothbrushes until my friend comes over (one is hers) and we can use them together. Then we’ll have a pillow fight and stay up late talking about boys.

5. For my birthday, my friends gave me an “I love Channing Tatum” t-shirt, the new Entertainment Weekly with Channing on the cover, and booze. I’ve worn the tee to bed every night since, stained the mag with glossy kisses, and drank all the booze. (I didn’t drink when I was 13, but dammit, I’m an adult and I’ll do what I wanna!)

6. Whenever I hear Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” I fantasize about meeting a super cute boy, giving him my number on a piece of notebook paper, and falling madly in love.

7. I am OBSESSED with the color pink and frequently wear it head to toe.

8. Whenever a boy calls me, I let the phone ring twice before answering so he’ll think I’m super busy, but I’m really just waiting for him to call.

9. Giggling is my absolute favorite.

10. I still wear pads.

11. I rock side ponytails.

12. I only make my bed if a friend is coming over.

13. I spend all of my money on concert tickets, candy (flavored liquor), and lipgloss.

BTW, I realize the above picture is shoddy, but my boobs and head are too big to get in one shot and I really wanted you to see my Channing tee. Isn’t it the coolest?!

If there’s one thing I’m always down for, it’s an adventure. Unless it’s riding a city bus. That one – not so much. It may be economically sensible or good for the environment or whatever, but you have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to self-respect. No self-respecting toots can board a bus full of smelly strangers and expect to depart the same, disease-free woman. You may get where you’re going, but scabies will be going with you.

My favorite adventures usually involve carbs or cocktails – bottomless mimosa brunches being my absolute fav. One of these days, I would actually like to attend a bottomless mimosa brunch without my bottoms. (Of course, I would still wear a pair of super cute heels as to not look like a total nut.)
Maitre d’: “Just a minute there, madam. Where are your pants?”

Me: “At home. Table for two, please.”

Maitre d’: “I can’t let you in without your pants.”

Me:  “The sign says ‘Shoes & Shirt Required.’ I see no mention of pants. Now hurry up and get me that table. I’m cold.”

I mean, that would be so fun, right? What an adventure!

Of course, my table for two would actually be a table for one and I’d be the pant-less weirdo dining alone on the account of a technicality, but that’s what the mimosas are for – company. And what fabulous company they are.

A couple weeks ago I unearthed and inventoried my vast stash of beauty products and vowed to put it all to good use (until it runs out in approximately June 2017).   I have to admit I haven’t lotioned up everyday like I wanted to, but it’s progress not perfection, right?  And if I can smell like lilies in the rain a couple days a week, then that’s better than no days a week I suppose.  The hardest part is remembering to lotion my feet with the special foot lotion – what makes it different than regular lotion?  I suspect, just the packaging.

In an ongoing effort to get my life together, I also went through my makeup drawer, and makeup case, and other makeup case, and other makeup drawer to see if my hoarder tendencies spilled over into the face painting  industry as well.  Me thinks they do.

For someone who doesn’t wear much makeup, this is what I own:

Do you also have every color eye shadow that exists? I barely know how to apply eye shadow, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking that Yes, I might need this purple MAC sometime in the future JUST IN CASE I do in become an eye shadow person, YOU NEVER KNOW!  YOU. NEVER.KNOW.

Of course, as women, we need different makeup for different things, so while I don’t wear the red lipstick I have but 2 times a year, I know I need to keep it.  I started to add up how much I’ve spent on makeup, but I stopped once I got to an amount that was the equivalent to my unemployment check, too depressing.

This is what I wear on a daily basis if I’ll be in public:

And this is what I wear when I have an audition OR a date:

Because we all know dates are just another form of an audition.

How much makeup do you have?  Is this normal?

Ok, got to go lotion my legs and use this lipliner up! How 90s!

My mom let me know that if I could do this, I might be married by now. Thanks for the hot tip, lady!

Mom’s Words of Wisdom: Why were we not told??? It is so easy. Women, all we need to do is this:

Springtime means spring cleaning and I started with the cabinet under my sink where I keep all my extra beauty supplies.  And I have a lot of them.  It’s not that I buy in bulk like Suze Orman would advise, but rather, I make impulse purchases at Target and CVS (A lotion that smells like jasmines in the rain with fresh laundry?! Must have it!) and hoard hotel samples.  And free samples of course.  And the free samples my mother sends me in the mail every few months when she does HER Spring cleaning.  All of that lives under my bathroom sink.

Is there such a thing as a bath & beauty product hoarder?  I don’t use any of the products, but WHAT IF I NEED PEPPERMINT FOOT SCRUB ONE DAY??!!  I MIGHT. You never know.

It’s a good day when I remember to use lotion after a shower, it’s a GREAT day when I actually shower, so these products are not moving.

After an inventory I discovered I own 37 various body lotions, 37!!!  Face lotion (12), lotions JUST FOR FEET (2), lotions JUST FOR HANDS (8), bath salts (7 wtf), facial masks (8), facial cleaners (6), bodywash (5), age defying wrinkle stuff (3- this is what I SHOULD have the most of these days), and a big bottle of witch hazel.  WHAT IS WITCH HAZEL?  But more importantly, why do I have it?

I have enough product to open a spa in my little yellow bathroom, so instead of de-cluttering  and tossing what I don’t use, which is the kind of advice Suze Orman or another Oprah expert would give in this situation, I simply re-organized.  I’m turning over a new leaf – I will lotion everyday and see how long it takes me to get through my stock without having to re-stock.  I predict I will save money, improve my skin, and smell like peonies at the beach with vanilla on the regular. I WILL BE THE MOST MOISTERIZED WOMAN IN LA!  My feet will smell like peppermint!!

Seriously, I’m really going to try, but maybe that’s just the hoarder in me not willing to part with my stash. Is this normal?  Do you guys have this much stuff too?

OK, gotta go lotion up. Byeeeee!

This guest blog by writer Liz Brown blew my mind. Here’s more about her, because she rocks my world:

Liz Brown spent 8 years working in the Los Angeles social services system before her head exploded. After her cranial reassemblage was complete, she decided to eschew her old life as a selfless martyr and officially became a narcissistic writer and artist. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, HelloGiggles, and the Smoking Jacket. For more, visit http://thelizbrownshow.wordpress.com and follow her on Twitter @TheLizBrownShow

The Best Places for Homeless Sex in Los Angeles – Silver Lake edition

Everywhere I go, the homeless are making love.

Sometimes I wonder if their sex lives are better than mine. While I don’t envy their constant day-to-day struggle for survival on the mean streets of L.A., I definitely resent their ability to eschew taboos about sex in public.

One thing that I’ve learned by observing and working with L.A.’s homeless population is that being without shelter doesn’t have to curb your sex life. I’ve observed more homeless sex acts than any former middle class white girl should. It got me thinking: where are the best places for homeless sex in Los Angeles?

L.A. is a big place with neighborhoods as diverse as the dildo selection at Hustler Hollywood. I decided to start by exploring the love dens of the shelterless in my own neighborhood: Silver Lake, aka Hipster Central.

5 BEST PLACES FOR HOMELESS SEX IN SILVER LAKE

1. PARKING LOT ACROSS THE STREET FROM CAFE TROPICAL

This location is a proven hotspot. I’ve personally observed three separate sex acts in this parking lot myself. There’s a mattress next to the dumpster right behind Sun Lake Drugs that serves as a popular sleeping station/fuckpad. You may get interrupted by some of the hipsters coming out of the AA meeting at Café Tropical, but they’re totally cool and non-judgmental. Also, there are a variety of pillows and blankets available. It’s not romantic, but that doesn’t seem to bother anyone.

2. SILVER LAKE DOG PARK AFTER DARK

By day, the park is a popular humping ground for Silver Lake’s hippest hipster doggies. By night, it’s an untapped wonderland of coital pleasures. The park “closes” at 10PM –just in time to take advantage of the low lights and do some star gazing with a receptive lover. The only drawback: doggie poop “land mines” that could harsh on the afterglow when you’re on your way out.

3. UNDER THE BRIDGE

The bridge from the Red Hot Chili Peppers song “Under the Bridge” (where Anthony Kiedis used to shoot up heroin) isn’t just for bleak but lyrically inspiring drug binges anymore. Now it’s the Bunny Ranch of the homeless Silver Lake community. If you park your car under there (cause you’re late for a gig at Silverlake Lounge), be prepared to hear some coital music emanating from the mattresses nearby. There’s nothing sexier than fucking like a rock star at a spot where rock was born—except fucking somewhere that totally doesn’t smell like pee at all.

4. MUSIC BOX STEPS

When Laurel and Hardy’s historical landmark isn’t occupied with high school students smoking a bowl, it’s an optimal location for those willing to do a stand-and-bang. Plus, sometimes the high school students will share their bowl.

5. PARKING LOT BEHIND EL POLLO LOCO ON SUNSET

Most of the time, the parking lot of a fast food restaurant on a major L.A. boulevard would be a straight up no-no for a public screw, but the El Pollo Loco at Sunset and Sanborn has a cozy and secluded back parking lot with multiple dumpsters for privacy. I’ve only observed one homeless sex act at this location, but the convenience of the affordable meal right next door after a quickie is undeniable. Plus? That chicken is CRAZY man!

Issues…we all have them. Advice…we all need it. Well, I need it. A lot of it. I will take advice from anyone who can tell me a better easier faster less painful less annoying way to do anything. My house is a treasure trove of halfway finished self help books, I’ve gone to lectures, watched hours of Oprah, read hundreds of women’s magazine articles, repeated mantras, given myself pep talks in the mirror, healing, growth, blah blah blah all in the quest for a magic fix.

But sometimes people just have to tell it like it is, and having taught in LAUSD for 8 years, what I know for sure is that kids under the age of 10 can certainly do that. Its a filter-free zone. For example, one of my students politely raised his hand one morning and asked, genuinely and sincerely asked, when my baby was going to be born. I was just bloated that day RAFAEL!

My co-stars Adina, Ryan, and Mia were awesome and whether they were giving advice, looking at me like I was crazy, asking me a question, or just filling my soul up with empty compliments, they really helped me gain clarity in certain key areas. In this episode of Kidstructive Criticism we examine some very deep issues. Basically, you’re gonna find the meaning of life is in this clip. And maybe a good hangover cure. You’re Welcome!

MamaL Travels with the Bitch to the Right Coast

(Hint:  These are all rhetorical questions.)

Who is the grouchiest (think Lizzie Borden…) in the morning after a 3-hour time change?

Who can singlehandedly consume an entire cheesecake lollipop tree at David Burke’s Townhouse Restaurant?

Who crushed big-time on the supremely darling and talented Andrew Rannells at Book of Mormon?

Who can crush her boyfriend after such eating habits as exhibited in previous dessert question?

Who would prefer to stand in line at Christian Louboutin than stand in line for Renaissance Portraits at the Met?

(But Mom, these ARE my running shoes!)

Who wonders which 4.5 inch heels to wear to walk twenty blocks while traveling companions are wearing running shoes?

Who tries every baked good in the continental breakfast buffet that has crois and sant in the name?

Who got to see a taping of SNL and didn’t take her mother—even though both, knowing absolutely zilch minus zilch about sports, are ‘uge fans of Charles Barkley?!?

Who relentlessly demanded to be taken to Shake Shack (as if there wasn’t enough physiognomical shaking going on…..)?

Who kept droning on about jogging in the park then kept sleeping through the jog portion of the day?

Who almost fell out of a cab but recovered by slithering out ass first because her dress was (way) too tight and (way, way) too short?

Who orders Moet when someone else is paying and tap water when left to her own billfold?

Who said her mother was a pretentious snob for wanting to see Seminar (would it be the same youngun’ who kept wondering how “affordable” Fifth Avenue apartment-dwelling would be)?

Who gets the flight-or-fight look when her mother begins telling a really good story to a stranger?

Who can plan the perfect not a $30 a day trip (please add umpteen zeroes)?

Who is grouchiest at midnight if she hasn’t had her every whim, calorie, and carat catered to?

Not her mother.  Bitch.

I am the first date Queen, but have yet to experience what a second date feels like. Wonder why. So again, I turn to my wise friends for some advice, support and general knowledge about the male species. I’ll take any help I can get: