This is the stuff of NIGHTMARES.
I guess this is supposed to teach kids that moms give birth by having their stomachs cut off? And, if you ever get knocked up, to be sure to dye your hair platinum, perm it, and put on some blue eyeshadow before going into labor?
I wish I had the time and self-confidence to train my dog to be the John Travolta to my Olivia Newton-John, then enter ourselves in dog-dancing contests:
Photo courtesy of Gawker
This email posted on Gawker is one of the most amazing/crazy things I’ve ever read. It’s from a high-ranking sorority board member, to the rest of the chapter, in regard to their unsavory new reputation for “LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD.” My personal favorite quote? “I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that…” Read it to find out what, exactly, earns you a “cunt punt.”
Um, this is AMAZE. Someone at UC Berkeley created this Facebook page to help you track down the dude/lady you hooked up with last night, but were too wasted to remember. The About section for UC Berkeley Hook-Ups reads: “This page is specifically designed to help the fellow drunk locate his/her Berk town hookup. If you recognize you or your story post message me with your number.”
The wall posts do not disappoint – here’s one gem: “#18 To the girl I woke up to peeing on my balcony. I don’t know how I ended up coming home with you or why you thought it was ok to pull your pants down and piss on my balcony, But I found your ID so it looks like ill be seeing you soon…..till then stay golden:)”
If there are two things I love in this world, it is one’s search for a soulmate and public displays of full-crazy. You can find both on a daily basis in the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. So here, your daily dose of crazy love – this was posted, for real. You’re welcome!
I WENT OUT WITH TWO TALL TWINS FROM IDAHO ABOUT 1 YEAR AGO. … I MISS YOU. GET IN TOUCH WITH ME. (i posted pics of what she looks like)
Posting ID: 3698567200
Posted: 2013-04-10, 9:12AM PDT
What I love about this: 1) There is a set of twins, somewhere out there, who like to date one man together. 2) They’re from Idaho, but could currently be anywhere in ALL LOS ANGELES 3) He posted pics of what “she” looks like. As if they are one person. 4) He thought it was okay to post pictures of these girls on the internet – not to mention Craigslist. 5) Everything about this seems super shady, and yet the sentiment “I miss you” is all warm and fuzzy and innocent. Probably unlike anything that went down in this encounter.
Reports from local news out of Buenos Aires say that Argentinian bazaar salesmen are selling ferrets on steroids, by passing them off as toy poodles. Apparently this is actually a “thing” and not just a rare occurrence, and Argentinians refer to them as “Brazilian Rats.” I don’t know who’s the bigger asshole: the monster who injected these poor animals with steroids from birth to increase their size, or the idiot who actually thought a ferret was a dog and paid $150 for one? This is so fucked up on so many levels.
Let me hop on my soap box for a hot minute: This is yet another reason why it’s shitty to buy a pet. You can find any breed, any age (puppies! kittens!) at animal shelters and rescues; you’ll be saving a life AND as a bonus, a vet will confirm the species. See?
Feeling embarrassed because you spilled a giant soda in your lap at TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION, and then for the rest of your mall outing it looked like you pissed yourself at a Tyler Perry movie? Feeling sad because you got drunk and accidentally friend requested your ex’s new girlfriend while trying to stalk her on Facebook?
Samantha Malson, alleged hater of awesome songs and impromptu karaoke
Well, at least you didn’t physically assault your boyfriend for singing Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” too many times, like Samantha Malson, 23, of Longmont, CO. Malson allegedly pushed and choked Lars Hansen because he wouldn’t stop drunkenly singing the catchy jam. She claims she asked him to stop 25 times; when he didn’t, she reportedly confessed to police, “I grabbed him around the throat” and “I did it for intimidation.” Why? Because: “He just annoyed me.” She was arrested and charged with harassment, domestic violence, and assault.
I love to talk shit on Yelp, so this new app is a dangerously delicious new tool for vindictive bitches like myself: Lulu, a site for women to rate and review the men in their lives. For ladies only, you simply log in through Facebook, specify whether the dude you’re judging is an ex, a crush, a current partner, a hook-up, a friend or a relative. The site (smartly) prevents you from being able to pull a full crazy and write your own personally-worded review; instead, you select answers from a drop-down menu that range from #AlwaysPays to #WearsEdHardy. Men can see their ratings and, if their true colors are revealed and that hurts their feelings, they can remove themselves from the database. Thoughts, ladies? Super mean or super useful?
Lauren Marbe, gorg genius
The girl you see above, Lauren Marbe, 16, of Essex, UK, scored a 161 on the MENSA test – higher than Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, and Albert Einstein. She likes fake tans and fake nails to go with her very real smarts – my kind of girl. This is some true life Legally Blonde shit, British high school edition. LOVE.
Feeling sad because you bought a coupon for eyelash extensions, and the lady turned out to be a full-crazy who’s also really bad at her job, and now it looks like you have pubes glued to your face? Pissed that Ryan Reynolds is married to someone besides you?
Elton
Well, at least you didn’t abandon your dog for being “gay.” Some asshole dumped his poor dog in a high kill shelter in Jackson, Tenn.; the owner’s reasoning was that he saw him hump another male dog and refuses to have a “gay dog.” (FYI, ignorant dipshits of the world, that’s normal dog behavior related to dominance and not romance.)
Luckily, he’s been adopted and given the new name of Elton — maybe after the legendary singer, or perhaps Cher’s crush in CLUELESS? Love.